Nick Hates Blogs

As clever a title for my first post as this is, it is very much true. Blogs are self-indulgent, petty and 99% boring as all hell. This is a fact that StumbleUpon has yet to learn about my web-browsing tastes as it continues to send me to blog after blog written by mid-westerners and teenage girls. I don’t give a crap about your top 5 favorite lasagna recipes. No one wants to know about the amazing thing your five year-old said at dinner the other night, it’s not that insightful. Just show me Daily Show segments, TED talks, pictures of cats doing silly things, the occasional naked woman and (depending on how late it is/how drunk I am) a website where I can move a bubble around the screen with my cursor.

What is a blog? Where did it come from? Why am I writing one? All valid questions. Lets take them one at a time:

What is a blog?

According to Wikipedia:

a type of website or part of a website supposed to be updated with new content from time to time.

Adding:

Many blogs provide commentary on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries; yet still others function more as online brand advertising of a particular individual or company.

So a blog is a website where people can offer their crap opinions for the world to disagree with resulting in ridiculous, made up and unpronounceable  words like “pwn” and “nOOb”.

I wanted to give you a specific example of people who write boring things in personal blogs, things of no consequence to anyone including the author, so while writing this I did a little research. I typed “personal blog” into the google search bar of my browser and clicked the first link. It was the personal blog of one Mr. Willy Sudiarto Raharjo. The most recent post on his blog is, and I quote:

I forgot to bring my laptop yesterday and i left it on my office. Luckily no one took it and it’s still in the place where i left it before, which was in my room and it’s locked. Today, i went to the office and took it back to my house.

Seriously?! I didn’t search for ‘boring blog posts’ or ‘personal blogs by people with sad lives’ I searched “personal blog” and the first entry in the first result was a story about how someone DIDN’T steal his laptop!. I rest my case

The third thing they list here is a corporate or advertising blog. I’m sure no one reads these. I can’t imagine getting home from a long day of work kicking off your shoes and sitting down in front of the computer to get all the latest news from Ricky’s Pizza Shop on Cedar Lane. I even laugh when Twitter suggests I follow a corporate account. How much could I possibly need to know about office supplies? I’m sorry advertising blogs, but if I can’t make it through 140 characters, there’s no way I’m going to hunker down and soak in four paragraphs on what I think might be a social network for computer nerds? I don’t know I didn’t read it.

Where did it come from?

Oh, come on. Do you really care?  It was probably some attention starved housewife in Gary, Indiana who got tired of talking to the wall because her husband’s at work all day and doesn’t pay any attention to her anymore not to mention he seems to “work late” a lot recently, her kids don’t want anything to do with her anymore because they’re all teenagers now, and she can’t go to her book club anymore because she made an off-color comment about her neighbor’s sister’s nose job and now her neighbor has been avoiding her and she really loved that neighbors Jello cocktail so it really is a shame, so she went down to the grocery store and picked up that AOL installation CD (because this was a while ago) and she started sending her ideas out into the void that is the internet.  There, question answered.

Why am I writing one?

I figured I might as well hop on board. I figure if you’re going to subject me to all of your miscellaneous lists and op eds to no one, well, then I can tell you how much everything you do bothers me.  I want to be very clear about something. Everything you do bothers me. It’s nothing wrong with you, it’s everyone. I hate everything. That’s why I’m writing this. So I can let you know how much your face bothers me when you listen to music on the subway or the way you look at tomatoes at the grocery store like you can actually see any difference between them. Stop pretending! Hopefully some of you will agree with some of my points and get a chuckle out of it. This is a humor site after all.  I would like to stress that as well. I will offend you here. I will say things that you might not like. I will be making fun of a LOT of people (congrats to Willy Sudiarto Raharjo for being the first person I make fun of here, by the way). I ask you to take it with a grain of salt. This is a humor site.

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